well i still am in a major down. i havent left my apartment since tuesday, and that was to get some pizza downtown at sbarro's. and befor that i havent left since work sunday. and before that, it was jubillee. i didnt go to cornerstone, i am so self destructive. i want to tear every thing i built down. i just want to see if people care. for me to be happy, i need to be important to other people. that's just the way i am. and when i dont feel important, i am depressed. and when i am depressed, i am really depressed. and when i say i need to feel important, i dont just mean people telling me they care about and all that junk, i just mean i need to feel needed. even if someone messages me every once in a while for some java programming help, or asks if i can fix their computer. when someone makes that effort to talk to me, that is enough. when someone thinks, "hey josh would be a good person to talk to about that" that makes my day. i really set myself up for depression by not doing anything with cornerstone this week. no one there called me or whatever. i cant even say if they missed me or not. so now i have it in my mind that cornerstone is only as good as i make it. and sometimes, i dont feel like puting the work in. and apparently, if i dont put the work in, nothing happens. so now i am back to being depressed. just talking about it makes me depressed. (continued)

i did read adrienne's blog today and she reminded me that finger eleven is coming in. that shot my mood up a mile and a half. 2 things that get me exited, music (finger eleven, soul coughing) and thoughts and dreams (waking life)

tomaro i am going to see keren and deirdres play. keren says it is really good. the best the school has ever seen. she also said she is the best one in the play. she is so arrogant. and i told her that too. and she said, that her voice is so great. she makes me laugh.

antidepressants suck when they dont work. yeah, you heard me. anti-depressants, as in medication. too bad i am not on any at the moment.

i have been staying up for 25 hours, and then sleeping for +12 that past couple days. monday night into tuesday after noon i didnt sleep at all though. so i guess back to the hypersomnia/insomia. back to cheese sandwiches and icecream. my room is a disaster. i wrote like 30 poems and 5 songs today. i dont know when to chose the right thing or what i want to do. all i want to do is create. all i want to do is express. all i want to do is be a starving artist. i would be honored to live on the streets. i still want to live on the streets for a week, just to say that i did it, and show that i can do it. and i leave you with instructions on how to be a ninja.