I am God’s. I exist to serve His purpose for which He has designed and equipped me. These are constants and anything else is penultimate.
I have been a believer my entire self-aware existence. This is a curse and a blessing. I am blessed because I’ve been on a steady path seeking His plan my entire life. I am cursed because that steady path is often lukewarm and lonely.
I’ve often envied the testimonies of drug addicts and faithless. I’ve been star-struck by the teenager who goes to church while their parents stay home. These are the bold. These are the ones that burn with passion.
I live dangerously as comfortably numb. Too set in my ways to stray from Christ and yet too worldly to put my trust in Him fully. I do believe I am called to live in this world, but that only makes it harder to lead others, such as my children, to an even higher calling.
I could walk away from it all and dedicate myself to prayer and solitude without outside temptation, but faith without works is dead. I could study all the teachings of ancient faith and be filled, but lack relational ministry to all non-believers. I could raise my children in the path that they should go, but risk hypocrisy in my own trials. This is my omnipresent dilemma of an omnipresent God.
I settle. Sometimes by reasoning and sometimes out of frustration. I do not have the answers to the exam of life, and I sometimes lack the mental fortitude to believe my half-attempts will ever be reviewed.
Father, help me seek your purpose instead of inserting my own. Lead me so that I, too, may lead. Turn my focus away from those that judge my actions or lack thereof, for if they would seek your purpose, they would lift me up in spiritual community, and have that be returned 10 fold.